Learning to Forgive
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Learning to Forgive

A Biblical and Christian Guide for Teens

If you need help right now. If you are having thoughts of hurting yourself, please tell a trusted adult right away. You can also call or text 988 (the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline), or text HOME to 741741 (Crisis Text Line). This guide is educational and does not replace professional support when it is needed.

Why This Matters

Everyone gets hurt by people close to them, friends, family, siblings, even parents. Learning to forgive well, not fake, not rushed, not confused with excusing, is one of the most freeing skills you can build. Unforgiveness tends to keep a hurt alive and growing, while forgiveness, practiced well, is how you eventually set the weight down.

“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you” (Ephesians 4:32, NIV) ties forgiveness to grace already received, not grace you have to manufacture on your own.

A Heart-Level Invitation

Consider: is there someone you are still holding something against, even something small, that you have not let go of yet?

“If you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you” (Matthew 6:14, NIV) names forgiveness as something serious and connected, not a small, optional gesture.

Signs You Might Be Holding Onto Something

Directions: Notice which of these apply to you.

What Forgiveness Is and Isn't

What Forgiveness Is

Forgiveness is a decision to release the right to hold something against someone, to stop demanding they pay for what they did. It does not require forgetting, and it can happen even if the other person never apologizes or changes.

What Forgiveness Isn't

Forgiveness is not pretending nothing happened. It is not excusing harmful behavior, and it is not the same as trusting someone again immediately. It is not a single feeling that arrives instantly. It is a choice, one sometimes made more than once for the same hurt.

Why Forgiveness Feels So Hard

Forgiveness can feel like letting someone off the hook, or saying what happened was okay. It can feel unfair, especially if the other person has not apologized or does not seem sorry. It can feel like giving up your right to be upset. A deep hurt, especially from family or a close friend, can make forgiveness feel like it requires more strength than you have right now.

Simple Steps Toward Forgiveness

Forgiveness as a Spiritual Practice

Getting Started

Name one person or situation you are still holding something against. Choose one small step toward forgiveness this week, naming it to God, talking to a trusted person, or beginning to release the score-keeping.

Noticing What Is Strengthening

Directions

Read each statement and select the response that best fits how this has been for you recently.

1. I can name specifically what I am still holding against someone.
1 Never · 2 Rarely · 3 Sometimes · 4 Often · 5 Always
2. I understand that forgiveness does not require trusting someone right away again.
1 Never · 2 Rarely · 3 Sometimes · 4 Often · 5 Always
3. I let go of keeping score of what someone owes me for hurting me.
1 Never · 2 Rarely · 3 Sometimes · 4 Often · 5 Always
4. I bring a specific hurt to God and ask for help releasing it.
1 Hardly at all · 2 A little · 3 Somewhat · 4 Quite a bit · 5 Completely
5. I recognize that forgiving someone does not mean what they did was okay.
1 Hardly at all · 2 A little · 3 Somewhat · 4 Quite a bit · 5 Completely
6. I forgive again when an old hurt resurfaces, rather than treating it as a failure.
1 Never · 2 Rarely · 3 Sometimes · 4 Often · 5 Always
7. I distinguish real forgiveness from pretending nothing happened.
1 Hardly at all · 2 A little · 3 Somewhat · 4 Quite a bit · 5 Completely
8. I talk to a trusted person about a hurt before, or instead of, confronting someone directly.
1 Strongly Disagree · 2 Disagree · 3 Neutral · 4 Agree · 5 Strongly Agree
9. I ask God to help me want to forgive, even when I do not feel ready.
1 Hardly at all · 2 A little · 3 Somewhat · 4 Quite a bit · 5 Completely
10. I recognize that having a lingering feeling or memory about something does not mean I have not forgiven it.
1 Strongly Disagree · 2 Disagree · 3 Neutral · 4 Agree · 5 Strongly Agree
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Why Consistency Matters More Than Intensity

One act of choosing to forgive does not mean the feeling never returns, and one relapse into resentment does not mean you have not forgiven. Forgiveness is often a practice returned to many times for the same hurt, not a single decision that settles it forever.

“If they sin against you seven times in a day and seven times come back saying, ‘I repent,’ you must forgive them” (Luke 17:4, NIV) describes forgiveness offered again and again, not something used up after the first time.

Forgiveness is a choice, an act of the will, not a feeling. Emotions often lag behind a decision, sometimes by a long time. It is easy to conclude that because a feeling or a memory of what happened is still there, you must not have forgiven at all. That thought is not true. It is a deceptive thought, worth recognizing and setting aside rather than believing. Feeling something and forgiving something are not the same measurement.

Forgiving Yourself

Some hurts are self-inflicted, mistakes, sins, or choices you deeply regret, and forgiving yourself for these can feel even harder than forgiving someone else. For many people, forgiving yourself is not a separate act you have to manufacture on your own. It is accepting the forgiveness God has already given and agreeing with Him about it, rather than continuing to hold a verdict against yourself that He has already set aside.

“If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9, NIV) describes forgiveness that is already complete on God's side once it is confessed. The remaining work is not earning that forgiveness. It is believing it, and letting your own verdict about yourself match His.

A Prayer to Begin

“Lord, thank You for forgiving me completely, even when I did not deserve it. Help me release what I am holding against the people who have hurt me, even if it takes asking You for help wanting to. Teach me to forgive again each time the hurt resurfaces, and give me peace where I have been carrying resentment. Amen.”

Six Practical Guidance Principles

1. Name What Happened Specifically

A clearly named hurt is easier to release than a vague resentment.

2. Separate Forgiveness from Trust

Forgiving someone does not require trusting them the same way again right away.

3. Release the Score-Keeping

Tracking what someone owes you keeps the wound open.

4. Expect to Forgive More Than Once

A hurt that resurfaces is not a sign you failed the first time.

5. Ask God to Help You Want To

Willingness itself can be something you ask God for.

6. Give It Time, Not Only a Decision

Forgiveness often unfolds, rather than arriving complete in one moment.

A Closing Encouragement

“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you” (Ephesians 4:32, NIV) was never asking you to forgive from nothing. It is asking you to forgive from the same grace you have already been given.

Suggested Resources

For those who want to go deeper, these resources offer additional insight into forgiveness:

  • Smedes, L. B. (1984). Forgive and Forget: Healing the Hurts We Don't Deserve. HarperCollins.
  • Worthington, E. (2003). Forgiving and Reconciling. InterVarsity Press.
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